Dear Beckett. You are Two.

Dear Beckett Boy,
You are two little buddy.

Mama can't sleep tonight, but maybe it's because she just needed this time to write, reflect and thank God for you. I can't wait until you can read about your story...and guess how much I love you.

I will never be able to thank God...enough...for you.

Two years ago, right at this moment, mama and dada were very scared. Mama just had her ambulance ride to the hospital where you'd spend your first 88 days of life. But don't ask me what the inside looks like, because I never opened my eyes. I just tried to keep calm, breathing and praying for you to stay put just a little while longer. You had just "turned" 25 weeks gestation.

Two years ago, right at this very moment, our friends and family were praying for you. You see we officially named you the night before your birthday, so that they could pray for you, by name.

Two years ago, I was praying for peace, I was screaming for peace. I could feel the pain not only physically, but already emotionally for the journey we were about to embark on once again. You see, mommy and daddy had a plan, but God's peace was given to us in a different plan. I could feel Him with us that night, even though I was very scared.

Two years ago, I was praying for bed rest. I knew too much from your big sister's premature birth. I wanted us to just calm down, and stay in the hospital on bedrest for the next 15 weeks. I knew how much one more day in the womb meant in your development.

Two years ago, the nurse and your daddy couldn't ever tell me that your contractions had slowed. I was maxed out on medicine, but you still just wanted to come meet us. Daddy and I were still in denial this was happening even though we knew you were coming.

Two years ago, we met the DRG, and yes, he will tell you the most crazy story of how mama acted when we met in the delivery room. I blame the silly medicine. But you see, it's another way of how God was taking care of us. All of us. You see I was supposed to meet with Mrs.DRG that next morning to find out how I could volunteer with NICU Helping Hands. She did come meet us still, at the hospital, at our meeting time and even brought us a birthday cake because it was indeed your birthday. Dr. Grubbs was meant to be there for your birthday. I am pretty sure God was in on that call schedule making.

Two years ago, I cried as I was forced to deliver you. My body wouldn't have it any other way. I knew you were too early, and it was so hard having no control. 3 weeks earlier than sister. Only a couple pushes because you were so small. And we were too late for the re-peat C-Section because you progressed too quickly through the birth canal.

But you know what the best birthday gift that you gave your mama and dada two years ago?

You cried.

You cried right after you were born.

We didn't hear Ellie cry for days after she was born.

You cried. And we knew that was a good sign for your lungs.

Mama and Dada just lost it when you cried. We were flooded with tears of thankfulness that you cried.

I still remember that first cry.

Two years ago, at 4:43 am, they whisked you away. You weighed 2 lbs. 2.6 oz. We knew you were in good hands with the DRG, and the rest of the NICU team, but mama and dada were very sad as we sat in an empty room. Our nurse congratulated us, but we didn't want to hear it. We were sad and very scared.

Two years ago, we cried, and just stared at the wall in denial, trying to let all our exploding emotions some how surface. We had to wait a few hours until you were stabilized for us to come see you.

Two years ago, I actually got to ride in a wheelchair to come see you. I asked which isolette was mine, and Nurse Vicki pointed me to your bedside. You were so small, but I could tell already you were so brave.

Two years ago, you were supposed to be our miracle. You are STILL our miracle. And you are a testimony of God's healing and provision right before our very eyes. We are so thankful for you, miracle boy. And thankful that friends and family prayed with us this night...two years ago.

_____
Two years ago, Beckett. Two years. It's been a hard two years. It's been a great two years.

But now...

Now life with you as a two-year-old...is such a blessing.

Now, you love to watch fire trucks, ambulances and police cars go by...you love the flashing lights and are starting to say "woo-woo."

Now, you know your name. You recognize your name. You respond to your name with such a cute smile. You also respond to Beckett No-No by saying "no-no-no-no" back to me.

Now, you pray with us at the dinner table by folding your sweet little hands over the high chair table.

Now, God has still shown his awe in your development. You walk, go up and down stairs, you climb on and into EVERYTHING. Even though I thought you needed more time inutero to develop, you are doing AMAZING work finding new pathways on your own.

Now, your lungs and breathing still stress mama out. Very much. We've gotten to go into the hospital twice in the past 6 weeks little boy. You don't like the hospital. You don't like being confined to a crib in the hospital. You are fascinated by trying to take off all the wires, but you don't like them. I don't blame you. Hopefully we'll get a good plan of action to help manage your asthma at the specialist tomorrow.

Now, we miss the DRG and MRS. terribly, but are happy to be closer to sister's NICU to start giving back here. We know that your and sister's story is helping mama and dada in turn help other NICU and preemie parents who are too having to experience the NICU journey.

Now, you are a big boy! Growing so nicely along your growth curve. You are a self-feeder, and are starting the picky toddler stage too. Last summer, you still were a STINKER with eating, but I'm so thankful that is behind us. We're still working on not having to bear claw food, but fine-motor-tuning will come.

Now, you have different kinds of cry. The whiney cry. The hurt cry. The I want that cry. The I'm getting malled by sister, come save me cry. The I want my mama cry. And I love them all.

Now, I get to hold you all the time, whenever I want. And when I hold you, I often think about the first time I held you, on day 3, when you were just under two pounds. I love that your body stretches out almost to where you won't fit anymore on my lap.

Now, we still enjoy EVERY single day. EVERY single breath as a gift.

We love you so much sweet Beckett boy. This mama loves you SO much.

Love,
Your favorite girl

You know you're a mom of a respiratory kiddo when...

Yes. I know. Two blog posts in one night. This one has been brewing since Beckett's last hospital stay. Respi Mamas: What would you add to this list?

You know you're a mom of a respiratory kiddo (aka Respi) when...
1. You seriously consider investing stock in Albuterol.2. In the hospital, you try and figure out how you can steal the wall unit of O2. Seriously, the home nebulizer doesn't work nearly as fast delivering meds as those bad boys.
3. The words crackle take on a new meaning. Course Crackle. Loose Crackle. And no, it's not your breakfast, Rice Krispies. It's your preemie's lung sounds.
4. You can identify all the signs of retraction, and where. Ribs, accessory muscles, collar bone area, head bobbing, nasal flaring. That's right moms, learn the lingo. Impress those doctors with your symptom watching skills.
5. You watch the clock counting down 1. until the next albuterol breathing treatment and 2. until the steroids fully kick after 10-12 hours. Two fold however. Thankful they can breathe. Not as thankful for the wired behavior that follows.
6. The nurses and doctors listen to your kiddo's lung sounds, and you're taking deep breaths too.
7. You have an overnight bag (aka "the evil admit bag") packed within 24 hours of your child's first cold symptoms.
8. You understand and are also annoyed that RAD (reactive airway disease) is asthma in a kiddo under 2, and indeed is not rad, like cool.
9. You actually sometimes pray it's just viral and NOT bacterial...pneumonia that is. Seems so weird to cheer for a virus that you can't really "treat."
10. You know the difference between stridor and wheezing, and help to educate your friends. Here's a little trick to help you remember. Stridor has an "i" in it, so it's on the inhalation. Inhalation starts with an I. (So this is when you hear a whistle sound when they breathe "in"). Wheezing has an "e" in it, and most often wheezing is audible on the exhalation. Exhalation starts with an E. (So this is when you hear a whistle sound when they breathe "out") *Don't be fooled however because wheezing sometimes is not audible. Also, of note...coughing. Lots of coughing. Definitely can mean your kiddo is wheezing, but it's just not audible like the "typical" form of whistle-y wheezing is.

...And so continues the journey of learning "the lung"...

Pray for our sweet Beckett as we have now two hospitalizations under our belt, and it's NOT even cold and flu season yet!

Top 5: Update from the KANSAS Gramkows

Boy we love it here. We sure miss our Texas friends (although, it still kind of feels like were on an extended vaca), but we do love it here. And LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our house! Being closer to family #1. And LOVE this cooler weather. Oh to be in a state again where the evenings actually cool down. We are also getting more and more unpacked and settled. What a beautiful feeling. Change is always hard. Transitions are also tough. But this will be so worth it. I'm excited for what God has in store for our family on our new adventure as KANSAS Gramkows....again. 

P.S. Our new address is 651 N. Canyon Drive, Olathe, KS 66061. Yes, and that's Olathe. But you say it like "Oh-lay-the" with a "the" at the end not a "thee" at the end. :) So now I'll have two pronunciations to always correct. Gramkow with a long "o" sound, and now Olathe!

I'm back. Yes, back to blogging. Computer and office stuff unpacked, and sorted so no excuses now.

And for the update. ELLIE IS FIVE. How did this happen?

Ellie's Top 5:

1. She's started Pre-K at a preschool at a church two days a week, and LOVES it. She'd go every day if she could. She is so excited about what she learns, and her favorite time is crafts. This is going to be so good for our Ellie. She's super shy at first, so I'm eager to see how she adapts socially. But our sweet Ellie has such a soft heart, like her mama. One day last week, I picked her up from school, and she was in tears because the girls on the playground wouldn't let her into the climby catepiller toy. They told her she couldn't because she wasn't their best friend. Seriously. This is starting already? So we've already had talks about being brave and letting friends know when our feelings are hurt. Wow. Hard parenting lessons for sure.
2. We are super blessed by our neighbors, the Robinsons, who moved in just a couple weeks before us. Turns out they are from Manhattan, and ALSO have a 4-year old Ellie, who I call by her real name now, Ellia, because it's just a tad confusing. Ellie LOVES playing with Ellia. Today in fact, they dressed up as Cinderella (Ellie) and the Fairy Godmother (Ellia in Tinkerbell's outfit) WHILE acting out the movie Cinderella II: Dreams Come True. Oh to be little again...
Conversation between Ellies today:
Ellie: Mom, Ellie is my best friend.
Ellia: Yeah, best friends forever.
Ellie: Yeah, we're BFFs.
(Seriously, she now says BFF? This girl has grown up to be 15 real fast!)
3. Opthalmology: Ellie has been turning her head now when she listens or watches TV. So that was a concern of mine, since she's still doing it even AFTER her tubes were put in her ears. Turns out (That woud be a Ben type pun there) that her eyes are fantastic, and so we're thinking it might be a habit that we now have to break. So Ellie can just follow up with a regular OD in a year! Wahoo! Beckett boy got his eyes checked too, and his eyes look GREAT following the strabismus surgery back in March. So we will recheck him in 60 months. As for Ellie's ears, we follow up with ENT Oct. 20. But at her well-child check, the tubes were still doing their job! So far Ellie has only really been sick with allergies. VERY thankful for this! Pediatric dental appointment also scheduled, to continue monitoring her missing enamel from her teeth due to prematurity. Beckett will get to go for the first time too...total second child syndrome there. Whoops.

4. Ellie LOVES her new room, her new basement, her new yard. She loves the house and all the space to run. She loves the new scooter she got for her birthday. And I also scored a new bike for her last weekend at a garage sale for $2. I got a bike too for $20, so now she's excited for Girls Day bike rides. We're still far from this however because Ellie hasn't learned the art of balance. It will come. We have lots of awesome trails in our neighborhood. And once we get the dukes of hazard driveway fixed, it will be a lot better (that's getting fixed Friday!!) She also LOVES her new piano. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa Gramkow. You really saved us. You see, my mom and dad got rid of MY awesome upright piano with out even consulting me first. I've played already quite a bit, and Ellie and I are going thru some books too. Yep, pretty sure she's going to play by ear just like I did. :)

5. Ellie's in Awana this year, but she's having a hard time adjusting because her Jonathan isn't there. She also will start gymnastics in October with her BFF, Ellia. They are just a TAD excited. Our neighborhood has 3 pools, so we got to take advantage of that the past month before it closed. Ellie really improved in her swimming. She can jump off the side and swim back to the steps no problem! That kick is getting stronger! We celebrated Ellie's Birthday this year at the Lake with the Gramkow family in Pretty Prairie. Ellie got super spoiled by Uncle David, and got to "drive" the boat and ride on the jetski! Still cannot believe she is 5!

Beckett's Top 5
1. Can't believe he is going to be TWO on Sept 23! That is NEXT MONDAY people! He is such a happy boy. And life is SO busy with him! So thankful for each and every step and climb he makes, but man, is he into everything!
2. Physical therapy is underway with Infant-Toddler Services of Johnson County, and am impressed with our PT! She's going to be coming once a month. Beckett's balance is still pretty off, but we're also thinking that he's just having to work hard to combat the large head and long torso he has going on. His feet turn inward slightly so we're watching that too. Our homework this week was to get him on lots of different textures/surfaces so he can practice! He's also mastered steps going down on his belly. He gets a little too brave sometimes and tries to use the railing which has resulted in some tumbling. :( We're also working on helping him correct core when he sits - so by placing toys up higher where he has to reach to come midline. Then also when he sits, we can trigger his back by also including speech "saying big and tall" to remind him to sit straight. He however laughs everytime thinking I'm tickling him. We honestly haven't gotten to work on my physical therapy though because the poor little guy has been sick!
3. Yes, that's right. SICK. Respiratory sick. Boo. Preemie lungs. Boo. We've been in the hospital twice since we moved in July. The first one we were visiting my sister in Minnesota, where his retractions were just getting too bad, and we had to go to the ER. His oxygen saturation was 87 when we got there, and we then earned an overnight stay in the hospital. Viral pneumonia. Translation: A cold that settled in Beckett's lungs. But so thankful we were at Mayo. Well, at least now we have a clinic number in case we ever need to revisit. It also made me smile when the ER admitting resident was a TCU alum, yes, he did flash the horned frog sign at me! :) Being in the hospital with this busy toddler was pretty exhausting for all of us. Hard when they're hooked up to all the wires they don't want on, and can't understand what's going on either. We unfortunately got to go back to the hospital for a little longer stay last weekend. This was our first time at Children's Mercy- South which is in Overland Park. He had to be on supplemental oxygen this time, which was such a bummer. But if it's what he needs to get over the hump, then we'll do it. However, getting a cold and then getting admitted to the hospital each time is not fun. Please pray as we navigate what is the best care plan for Beckett. With RAD or asthma it does take some time to figure out how best to manage it. Obviously, a simple cold, is a trigger for Beckett. And he's also showing us that he doesn't really have a "yellow" zone. He goes straight to the RED. So because of this, it's going to require more steroid medication, which I'm not too thrilled about. But obviously we have to weigh the benefits to the risks. And benefit #1: Breathing. Also pray too as this cold and flu season, I just have a feeling, is going to be brutal. Pray with us that Beckett's lungs can heal from these last two colds completely, before the next one hits. (which we just know in all reality, is unevitable)
4. Speaking of understanding, he actually IS getting more vocal. Beckett gets Speech Therpay once a week. He now is really starting to copy what we say. Beckett says mama, dada, el (for Ellie), no.no.no.no.no (usually in response to something Ellie trying to take away from him), and uh oh. Yesterday he said the word bib. And last week, he randomly in the car started saying Cock-a-doodle-do (well, the noise) when he saw a picture of a chicken. WAHOO! He is so precious when he talks. OH..AND I just have to share that he also understand the command "hug." It is SO cute. We'll say hug, and he comes running to you to give a hug. It's super sweet when he goes to Ellie. They both have their arms wide open when they are running toward each other.
5. Beckett is a full-time self feeder. He really wants to eat what everyone else is. He's still working on the pincher grip, but that will come. He loves shredded wheat and yogurt. His love for bananas is more of a like for bananas now. He's also showing some "normal" picky toddler eating behavior. Not too thrilled about pastas, but can sure put the meat down. He is growing well, and I'll be anxious to see what he weighs at his well-child check on his birthday. He also signs milk and water, along with eat, grapes, bananas. We're currently working on signing help, play and shoes. 

Well, I was going to do a Ben and Mandy's Top 5 too...but that will have to wait until next time! Goodnight ya'll!