"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

Dear Lord,

Give me the words to write...so they might encourage just one. I've deleted and re-typed about 100 times. I know you're prompting me to write..you have made me to desire community...to share with ones we do life with...so may it just show a glimmer of how You are bringing Team Gramkow back to Yourself. 

Amen.

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Sorry I've been MIA. I find that life has been super crazy busy lately, but that's no good excuse to not update the blog for Mom, Wendy and Grandpa Whipple. ;) I also find that even in my outgoing personality, when things are just chaos, I choose to distance.

We are still one blessed family. And I hate that I fall to the weakness not remembering this every moment of every day. We are blessed that Ben got a new job in Kansas. We were always looking to get back toward the Northland, and knew that Kansas City area would probably be our best bet. We prepared for our move in a short two weeks, and Ben started at Garmin on July 1. We've been living with our awesome friends (from K-State undergrad) here in Olathe since we moved. We will move into our temporary apartment in Overland Park on July 27, with a two month lease.

And we've been house hunting. We were hoping to find our "house" the first weekend to maybe avoid the whole moving twice thing. I still cling to a false hope that it might actually happen, but I'm being unrealistic at this point. 

And let me just say that I have a new found respect for all of you couples who have bought a house. Wowzas. And I know us Gramkows are on the slow train, as this is yes, our first home purchase. And you would think by now that I'd be a pro at this whole "stress" thing since ya know, we had two premature infants with a long NICU stay, but nope. It's an interesting dynamic as I found myself completely out of control in the NICU, trusting God with our children's lives. I had to. With the house hunting...I think I've put a burden on myself that I do have control. And that's where I'm leaving the trusting God part out. And I then wonder why the stress just exhausts me. Because I "think" I have control. 

Still don't like it. That stress stuff...it's no good sin I tell ya. 

And it's been so disheartening that the stress of it all has stolen the joy that has come with our exciting new adventure. I've let it steal the joy. 

We've looked at more than 40 houses. And still haven't found "the one."

We've decided to take a break...kind of. But this kind of break is really one that is showing me what's going on in my heart. Yes, my UGLY heart that I've shown the past month, the UGLY heart that has been disrespectful to my husband, my UGLY heart that has just plain out avoided my friends and family who have reached out to us in the move. 

Our poor realtor, bless her heart, pretty much had a counseling session with us yesterday. She just returned from her mission's trip to Africa. (We had a sweet fellow realtor showing houses to us while she was gone) And in true Mandy fashion, just full-out lost it. Yes, I was a blubbering mess in the McDonalds kids' play area. I try too hard to hold it all in. And well, now that I've had a really good cry, even though my eyes are still SUPER puffy today, I do notice God is reminding both Ben and I that we are supposed to be in this together.

What have we been really doing this past month? Fighting. Fighting because we are both being WAY stubborn in what type of house we want to buy. A HOUSE! Seriously, after all we've been thru with WAY more important things, we've let this just divide us. We've continually been UGLY to each other. And somehow we think this is going to lead us to what God would have for us next. 

So thankful our realtor, who we are so thankful is a believer, just looked at us, and said...you guys need some time to get on the same page, to get re-unified. And she encouraged us to take a break to fast and pray. She reminded us that we are a good balance for each other, but if we're not willing to work toward each other, with some compromise, then we are wasting our time.

But ultimately, we need some faith with that wisdom. I need more faith to trust that God is going to orchestrate our path to the right neighborhood with the right schools, and that he will protect us from harm. I'll admit I'm Safety Sally, and it is a high priority to know that I'm moving in a "safer" neighborhood, a more established community. The break into our house in Fort Worth definitely didn't help my matters any. I am just FEARFUL. FEARFUL FREDA. I just want us to be protected. But I do need to remember that God did protect us on the day of the break in. We weren't home. Stuff is just stuff, and in the end we were all ok. Ben has some things he is working on too. (But all of you who know him well, know he's a super private person, so I'll not share them publicly on the blog)

So I even hesitate to write this...I don't know why...but just being vulnerable is hard. But even though we're on this journey as Christ Followers, doesn't mean we get it right a majority of the time. Thank GOD for forgiveness.

Ben and I celebrated 8 years of marriage two days ago, and we still are figuring things out. What does your relationship look like to be centered on God? We've always struggled with what this should look like for us. And sure we prayed together lots for Beckett, but honestly since we've been out of the real hard preemie stuff...that's fallen to the way side. 

So thankful that HE brings us back...even if it's through our realtor that just knows that we need some refocused time with the Lord. So what did we do today? Fasted and prayed over lunch. Yep. Drove to Garmin, and we just sat in the car during his lunch hour (with Beckett in the back ;) and prayed...asking God for grace toward each other, asking God for forgiveness for how UGLY we have been to each other, forgiveness for how we are trying to take complete control ourselves. We also read from Proverbs. A book that my analytical husband, who values knowledge and wisdom, really likes. We are broken, stubborn people...what a mess! But we are exhausted, and just plain can't do it on our own anymore. Man, I'm so glad God can make a beautiful thing from such a mess. 

God continually takes me to the place where I have to say "I give up" ....ok, God you can have it. Why can't I figure out that the trusting God part should be present the WHOLE time...always being in communion with Him? Stupid sin.

And yes, I wholeheartedly believe in God. I have TWO miracle babies that remind me of this EVERY SINGLE DAY. Our God is SO GOOD. And He has an amazing house in store for Team Gramkow. He has always provided for us before, and I know he will continue to. We are blessed. We are so blessed.

It's SOOOOO good for me to write this out, and remind myself that we are SO BLESSED! SO THANKFUL and BLESSED!

And I just feel awkward asking for prayer for our "house" situation because like I said before...it's just a house.

But...if you want to continue to journey with us...please pray for:

1. Clarity for Ben and I on our budget and house needs.

2. God to remove the fear and anxiety out of Mandy's heart.

3. Our new neighbors whoever they may be.

4. Ben and I to extend a ridiculous amount of GRACE to each other in this process, however long it may be.

5. For the kids. Ellie keeps asking me if we've found our new house yet.

6. Patience!

Love You Friends, even amidst the distance... and the avoidance...know that I still love you all... :)

"The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD." Proverbs 16:33