NICU Nurse Karen & the NANN Conference

I was greeted with 5 missed calls from Lisa Grubbs (Beckett's neonatologist aka the DRG's wife) this morning. (Whoops for leaving my phone in the office with the doors closed so Bman couldn't get in there!) Called her back right away, and she congratulated me...

"Congratulations to Joel Brens, Papas of Preemies, Danielle Bischoff, Preemies Today, Mandy Gramkow, NICU Helping Hands, and Gigi Khonyongwa-Fernandez, Families Blossoming LLC - these AWESOME preemie parent leaders will take part in a 2 hour workshop Preemie Parent Alliance is doing at the National Association of Neonatal Nurses (NANN) educational conference in Nashville, TN on October 3rd!"


Say what? Wow. I am SO humbled, honored and so thankful for the opportunity to represent NICU Helping Hands and the Preemie Parent Alliance, by participating in a workshop alongside Dr. Sue Hall and three other preemie parents at the National Association of Neonatal Nurses (NANN) annual conference in October!
 
*Remember, Dr. Hall was Ellie's neonatologist in Kansas...and our story is in her book too, For The Love of Babies. We love Dr. Hall! AND we are so excited that she is coming to Fort Worth next month to conduct some educational workshops with NICU Helping Hands and the medical staff of all the NICUs in Fort Worth!

At the conference, Dr. Hall will be presenting on "A Look Inside the Preemie Parent's NICU Experience...How NICU Nurses Can Help." So the Preemie Parent Alliance asked for submissions for "positive or negative senarios that really happened to you with a NICU Nurse during your child's NICU stay."'

This was really hard for me....to choose just one positive. We were SO BLESSED to have such great NICU Nurses taking care of Ellie in Kansas and Beckett here in Texas. But they limited me to one page, so I had to pick one.

And this is what I submitted...my story about a day with Karen (aka Beckett's favorite NICU Nurse)

"My name is Mandy. Mom to two preemies. My body failed not once, but twice to deliver a full-term baby. Our first preemie, Ellie was born at 27 weeks, 6 days gestation four years ago. Reason. Probable PPROM (Preterm premature rupture of membranes). But unknown. Ellie spent 71 days in the NICU. We finally got brave enough to try for another baby. My husband and I prayed that Ellie’s preterm birth was just a one-time fluke, and that preemie history would not repeat itself.

In June 2008, we found out that a baby brother would be joining our family. Everything checked out normal according to the perionatologist at Week 20.  I had a lot of anxiety through out my pregnancy. I was preparing so much for making it past week 28, that 25 caught us way off guard. Our second preemie, Beckett was born at 25 weeks gestation. And 4 hours to be exact. Reason. Unknown. No PPROM this time. Just contractions that wouldn’t stop or even slow down.

What we did know was that we didn’t want to do this again. All we wanted was a full-term baby. Instead we had a 2 lbs. 2.6 oz. baby boy born 4 weeks earlier than what we “knew.” My body had failed me once again.

Two premature births. So naturally two times the amount of mommy guilt the second time around. The goal was to get farther along in gestation. Not deliver earlier. With Ellie, I remember being in denial for the first two days. I could not and did not want to admit that this happened to me. That my body failed, and now I had to stare at her on the outside fighting for her life. With Beckett, the first few days were very rough. The first week was awful. I didn’t know if it was better or worse already knowing the preemie lingo. What I did know was that I felt shame, guilt, and helplessness. I felt like such a failure. It physically was my fault. My body failed.

I distinctively remember a week after Beckett was born, I met Karen. Finally a NICU nurse I could remember, after the “first-week preemie mom” daze had worn off. Karen was taking care of Beckett for the weekend. I was pumping in his room, dropping bottles on the floor, when I started crying and hyperventilating. She got me some new bottles, and tried to help me calm down. She leaned down beside me, and said, “I know this is going to be a hard road, but look at how much of a fighter Beckett has already proven to be.” I just broke down crying even more. The emotions were just too much for me to handle while I was there. I told her that I couldn’t believe we were heading down this preemie road again. I told her I felt such guilt. I remember my bones literally aching because I was so sad I allowed my body to fail a term pregnancy again. Every time I looked at him in the isolette, I was reminded of how my body failed him.

Karen could have gotten me some new bottles, and walked away. But she didn’t. She pulled up a chair, sat and listened to me cry. She put her arm on my back trying to comfort me. We sat in silence for a while. But then she started sharing with me about her son, and the reason she became a NICU Nurse. You see Karen lost her Sweet Jesse after 9 days in the NICU. She said after 14 years to this day, she still feels guilty. That maybe she could have done something different. But she has learned that those thoughts of guilt are not helpful. She shared for her, those thoughts only throw you into a downward spiral of emotions which can really be isolating. Instead she helped me focus on what I was doing well as Beckett’s mom. I was there to take his temp, do kangaroo care, and pump every 2 hours. She encouraged me to keep talking about my feelings because they are raw and real and need to be processed, whether now in the crisis or down the road. 

I am so thankful that Karen responded the way she did. She set a foundation of trust not only that encouraged my trust in her as Beckett’s nurse, but for me to be free to express my daily emotions in a safe environment. One where I knew she cared about not only about baby, but mom too. And even though our NICU experiences as moms were different, by her sharing a piece of her story, I felt like I wasn’t alone in my feelings of guilt, shame and helplessness. I didn’t have to be afraid to share the feelings I didn’t “want.” It was a step forward in a long process of dealing not only with post-partum depression, but post-traumatic stress disorder as well, which hit full force after discharge. Today, Beckett is 16 months old, and I truly believe that I am farther along in my healing process because of the conversation that my Favorite NICU nurse, Karen and I had that day."