Dear NICU Nurse. You were the first to see me become a mother...

Dear Team Gramkow NICU Nurses, 

As we celebrate YOU on Neonatal Nurses Day, Sept. 15, I can't help but think you truly deserve more than just one day a year. There aren't enough words to describe my sincerest thanks for taking such great care of my tiny Ellie (yay for SV NICU nurses) and Beckett (yay for Harris Methodist NICU nurses) when they needed you most. Thank you for getting your nursing education. Thank you for continuing on to be certified to work in the NICU. Thank you for taking the stress-filled risk to work with such fragile beginnings to life. Thank you for your tender touch. Thank you for your attention to detail. Thank you for knowing my babies when sickness was coming on. Thank you for calling in on your off days because you were worried how that day would go with out you there. Thank you for celebrating the little things with us. Thank you for all the sweet keepsake signs that you'd post when mama was away. Thank you for cuddling when mom and dad couldn't be there. Thank you for loving on not only our preemie babies, but loving our whole family so well. Team Gramkow is forever thankful for YOU!

You see. You were the first to see me become a mother. You saw the scared look on my tear-filled, puffy-eyed face as my expectations of how I would enter motherhood were shattered. I thought it was all a bad dream. You saw how I was in denial, and that I didn't even know how to feel joy. You took care of my sweet Ellie, my fragile baby while I was in the preemie mama daze that whole first week. 

You educated and explained each and every wire, tube and monitor that was hooked up to her as she laid in the isolette. To you, this was an everyday sight, but you never let me know that. You knew this NICU world was a shock to me. You patiently waited as I transitioned from denial to bravery. You educated me on pumping, and always encouraged and celebrated any amount of liquid gold I produced. 

You educated me on what was best for my baby...to hold her, to kangaroo care, to help with "cares," to recognize her "I'm overstimulated" signs, to celebrate even things like smears and low residuals. You helped me practice her physical therapy. (that she was supposed to still be practicing in the womb) 

Thank you being willing to answer my million questions. (shout out to Ellen and Dr.Hall too!) Thank you for journeying with us all 71 days. Thank you for celebrating and crying with us as we finally went home from the NICU. You were our first NICU family, and we are forever grateful.

And then, we got to do it again. Beckett came at 25 weeks, and we now knew the lingo. We knew the NICU world. But we didn't know if that would make it easier or harder. 

You see. You were the first to see me become a mother to our second child, another preemie. I didn't want to see you NICU nurses this time around. You were the first to witness me see him for the first time, asking which isolette was mine. 

You saw me bawl and sob, and scream "not again." You explained his medical status to me over and over again. I asked the same questions over and over again, but you never made me feel stupid. You constantly reminded me that he was different than his sister, born almost 3 weeks earlier, and a boy. (Yes, insert whimpy white boy lungs...I knew about it.) You were patient with my million questions including why things were different as far as feeding philosophy and advanced research from just 3 years ago. 

You sat with me in his individual "airplanes" room, even though I knew it drove you crazy having a 1:1 assignment. You sat with me in the dark when he was having a horrible desatting day, and that was the only trick to calm him. You checked his bowel sounds every paranoid time I saw his tummy looked distended. (Yes, I asked the DRG this all the time too) 

You were there when he got really sick, and knew to call the NP and doc right away. You were there not giving up on him when you had to bag him at 3 am in the morning. You not only loved on my sweet boy, but were so compassionate and kind to me. You listened to me cry, and try and figure out why this happened again. You could tell when the mommy guilt was in full force, and reminded me that this wasn't my fault...even though it is a hard one to believe deep down. You loved on my boy extra because I couldn't be there all the time with having big sister, Ellie to care for too. But you did save baths for us. 

You always came in to tell me the K-State Football scores to help things feel a little bit normal, and like home. You wrote letters to mom in Beckett's journal telling me how the night went. I still love reading these. You brought my family a meal after your long shift with my boy because I had called saying our house was broken into. I know you prayed for our family. You celebrated and cried with us when we finally got to take him home just in time for Christmas. You were our Texas NICU family, for a long 88 days, and we are forever grateful.

You know what gift I can give you today in your honor? A reminder that what you do, is TOTALLY WORTH IT! You work so hard to nurture these NICU babies so they might have the best possible outcome. It started with you! And then, there IS joy down the road. Just look at my two miracles. We were SO blessed to know each and every one of you who cared for our Sweet Ellie and Sweet Beckett. 

Our 27w6d, Ellie Jo, who just turned 6, is in Kindergarten and is reading above average! 

Our 25 weeker, Beckett Thomas, who will be three next week, just graduated from ALL therapies! He is equivalent to development along with peers his age...gross motor, fine motor, adaptive, cognitive, social-emotional, and speech!    

We love you all! Team Gramkow will always be your #1 fans!

Be Brave, NICU Mama

This is a blog post I wrote for NICU Helping Hands for Mother's Day.
http://www.nicuhelpinghands.org/be-brave-nicu-mama/

Mother’s Day is today. Everyone’s journey to becoming a mother is different: the short path, the long path, the detour, and the return trip …

I had dreams about what my life as a mom would look like. I would clearly have a chubby baby since both Ben and I were more than 8 pounds at birth. Make those chubby babies. Plural. Actually, I would have four, probably 2 boys and 2 girls. But I wasn’t going to let a baby “slow” our life down. We would just take them with us everywhere. And I most certainly wasn’t going to be “that mom” who made everyone wash their hands before they held the baby.

We were so excited when we found out we were pregnant with our first child. People would tell me, “Oh, it will feel more real when you hear their heartbeat” and “Oh, wait until you feel them kicking and punching so hard your shirt moves.”

I loved hearing the baby’s heartbeat. However, I never got to feel moving more than a flutter and a few kicks. Ben actually only felt our baby kick once, but definitely not enough to move my shirt.
Our sweet Ellie was born at 27 weeks 6 days gestation weighing 2 lbs. 7.5 oz. A good 6 pounds away from “chubby.”
Our sweet Beckett was born three years later at an even earlier gestation. My 25 weeker, Beckett, weighed 2 lbs. 2.26 oz. at birth.


Make those two preemies. Plural. One preemie girl, one preemie boy. Our lives were slowed down for 5 years. We took them nowhere with us. And I totally turned into a germaphobe mom. Everyone washed his or her hands. For 3 minutes. Up to their elbows. And then used hand sanitizer.
My journey to motherhood included trauma, anxiety, stress, and days of unknowns, emotions and tears. Not once, but twice. My journey took the “return trip” so to speak. But amidst the past five years of the “survive and thrive” teeter-totter not only for my preemies, but also for me as their mom, I’ve learned some lessons along the road.

1. Sometimes motherhood isn’t pretty. It includes guilt, stress and grief, but it’s best to address. I felt, and still deal with the guilt that my body did not make it through a full-term pregnancy. But I’ve learned that guilt is not helpful and only thrusts you into a downward spiral of negativity, and then you are of no help to anyone. Days in the NICU are stress-filled. Life is so fragile and it is emotionally draining to feel such anxiety for 88 days in a row, not knowing if the day is going to be good or bad. Then you go home from the NICU. Feeding issues surface. You’re in the “world of germs” and you hate that you are on edge, waiting for the next ball to drop.  I honestly have had to start to “retrain my brain” to remember what it’s like to rest and relax. In survival mode (think red alert mode) it’s so hard to escape the stress. But our brains actually need rest to restore. It’s imperative wherever you are in the NICU mom journey, to TRY and relax daily. Go for a slow walk. Lay your head back, close your eyes, and deep breathe to 10. It doesn’t have to be long, but it needs to be frequent.

I learned that underneath the stress was the grief that I felt about my pregnancy. I missed out on the whole last trimester … for both kids. I grieved that I had days of denial when I didn’t even want to go to the NICU and face reality. I grieved that I didn’t remember their first months at home because the stress of trying to get them to eat took over. I grieved the reality that my dreams and expectations were not met with my journey. I grieved the reality of trying to address the “why”.
I am now trying to focus on the “what”. What happened? What am I feeling now? What did grief look like for me then, and have I truly processed it all? What good did I do each day for my kids? For me, it has taken 5 years, and I think I finally feel like I’m out of “survival mode”. I think this may be why this lesson is hitting me hard.  It’s time to address it. I am, but it’s not pretty. I need to however as it’s part of my motherhood journey to becoming the best mom I can for my kids who fought so hard for their lives.

 2. NICU Mamas need other mamas. When your life turns upside down, it’s very easy to feel like you are the only one going through it. This is why NICU mamas NEED other NICU mamas. It’s like an insta-bond, which is such a beautiful blessing. Even though each preemie is different, it is so comforting to have someone to talk to that has insight into your world. Someone who can listen to you vent about complicated, unfair things. Someone who can offer you advice on how they navigated their journey trying to do mom things in a medical environment that felt so unnatural. Some of my preemie mama friends have become my closest friends. Trust me. They didn’t want to join the preemie mama club either, but they are a part of community that needs support and encouragement especially post-NICU. This is why I’ve started graduate NICU Mom CONNECT groups in both Fort Worth, and now in Topeka, Kansas.  If you’re a graduate mom, do me a favor and please reach out to a new NICU mom. It could be a part of your healing process too.

NICU mamas need other mamas too. Even though relationships may have been put on pause with those mama friends who “had the normal experience,” they are still needed. Maybe you’re the only one in your circle of friends who had a preemie. Maybe they don’t fully “get” it. How would they? Maybe they complain about things that you honestly would have loved to experience. I’ve learned that I have to choose the greater joy and be thankful my friends didn’t have to go through what we did. And I may or may not kindly remind uncomfortable, last trimester mom that really those hard kicks are physical therapy developing their baby’s muscle tone, and the reason that she’s gaining more weight now is because that’s when baby gains all their weight too. I’ve had to focus on the things that are similar in our experiences, rather than letting the differences divide us.  It’s hard. I get it. I have had to choose to ask questions because often times they don’t know what to say. I ask my sweet friends if they can tell me when their baby is kicking (I mean doing physical therapy) in that last trimester. I choose to be amazed, and cheer them on to that uncomfortable full-term milestone.  I know what a miracle it is to just get to that point. But you, just like them, are navigating a new normal of motherhood. NICU or no-NICU, I’ve learned to never belittle the journey. Plus, you may never know the entire story. The route may be different, but the destination is the same. Motherhood is a beautiful purpose.

3. Celebrate everything. I never knew that I would gain such a deep perspective becoming a preemie mom. The kind you don’t learn from a textbook. I witnessed my miracles (yes both of them) grow and develop on the outside of the womb that last trimester. And even though it was SO hard to see them so tiny, fighting each day to breathe, to digest food, to regulate their temperature in an isolate…to do everything they “weren’t supposed to be doing yet,” it’s a perspective where I learned to focus on positives in order to survive that rough, repeat trip. Through the tears, I celebrated when Ellie first cried days after birth, and when Beckett cried at birth. I celebrated when her one eye that was still fused shut, opened. I celebrated the first time I got to hold Ellie skin-to-skin, even though she only tolerated 6 minutes. I celebrated when I got to hold Beckett the first time, even though his whole body fit inside the top of my nighttime nursing bra. I celebrated when she tolerated her first feed and I celebrated when he finished his first bottle. I celebrated EVERY weight gain – every single ounce. I celebrated smears, poops and weighing pee filled diapers. I celebrated as fewer and fewer wires were hooked up to my precious babies. I celebrated when I got home and could hold them as long as I wanted. I celebrated and still celebrate each developmental milestone they hit by shouting to the rooftops. I am so thankful for the insight that I have now, where I can look back and see that my good days did outweigh my bad. I am so thankful I now have the foresight to choose to see the perspective that really matters and to celebrate everything. Every day and every breath is such a gift. Every moment I get to be mom here on this earth to my sweet Ellie and Beckett is such a gift.
Ellie and Beckett’s premature births may have defined when and why I became a mother, but what I love most is what the journey has taught me about “being” that mama. And for that, I am forever blessed.
Happy Mother’s Day to the bravest mamas I know.

Merry Christmas from Team Gramkow!

We became Kansans halfway through the year, and it has been a whirlwind ever since. A good whirlwind.

Ben has thoroughly enjoyed the start of his new Engineering career at Garmin. He still is working in Avionics, but it is quite a different than working for a government contractor. He has had to learn a whole new set of ways to do business, but he loves learning so it has been a win-win for him. I love how he's so fascinated by new, intricate, technical things. He did have his yearly review the other day and said he really feels like he's where he wants to be right now career-wise. So that's good, because remember...we are never moving again. :) He still has his hobby of photography, but that has been put to the side due to being a homeowner. Yep, we are realizing the to-do list just never ends.

Ellie, is now 5 going on 15. Yep, she is going to be an emotional, sensitive girl. Little dramatic. Sounds about right based on her genetic pool, right? ;) She has loved going to preschool two days a week, and wishes she could go everyday. I think she will be ready for Kindergarten next year for sure, and our elementary school is just a couple blocks away! She is reading paragraphs, and probably has more of a vocabulary than her mom! She's even pretty good at math. We are trying to work on how to be a good friend. She's pretty shy at school. I think it has been an adjustment social wise since we've kept her home the past few years due to bringing sickness home. Ellie used to countdown until the weekend when "Daddy didn't have to work", but now it's to Monday, when she and dad go to "work." I just chuckle when she and Ben (who usually eat breakfast together) part ways in the morning, and she says "Good-bye, Engineer." I so wonder what she's going to be when she grows up. However, currently she can't get past being a princess. Everything is princess around here. She even prays for princess dreams. A highlight was going to ride in the Cinderella carriage (dressed up as Cinderella of course) at the Plaza. She was in heaven! We've also grown to really love the new princess movie, Frozen! Last weekend she got to go see Beauty and the Beast, the Broadway musical. She thought that was pretty neat too, and is ready to see Cinderella in the "people version." Ellie's hair still looks like Cinderella. It has come a long way since the great hair cutting tragedy of February 2013 which left her looking like Tinkerbell. Now we're trying to grow it out like Rapunzel. This in-between princess hair growth stage has been hard. Ah, but Ellie just has the sweetest heart. She is such a great helper with her brother (when they're not fighting), with cooking, and anything Ben is fixing. She took gymnastics and is memorizing Bible verses in Awana. I think she may try dance in the future. I think she likes the fact that she can watch herself dance in the mirror at dance class. ;) I can't believe my Ellie is already 5. I do think the years could slow down, please and thank you.

Beckett (aka Bman) is now 27 months (23 months adjusted age). He is just so blasted cute. This is such a fun stage. He's starting to jabber and talk more and more each day. His recent development was saying his own name "Beckett" which sounds like "Bucket," with a British accent but it's super cute. He also just a couple days ago started making the smooch/kiss sound, and leaned in to kiss my cheek. Talk about making mama's heart melt. He hasn't repeated that as much as I'd like, but we're working on it. :) We continue to do speech therapy with Infant Toddler Services of Johnson County every other week. Physical therapy...we are seeing again after the first of the year, but I think we may be discharged soon! For the most part he has animal sounds down (still working on sheep not saying moo) and body parts (still working on ears not being eyes). His favorite words as of now are: cheese, Ellie, Mama, Dada ... OH, and actually he is really good at saying Bye, Bye Dada. Yep, that's a phrase! boots, shoes, socks, coat. Milk is still "ilk" and light is still "ight." I was hoping those would be quick fixes maybe after his ear tubes were put in, but no change yet. I'm happy to report that I think (fingers crossed) we have an asthma action plan in place that Beckett's lungs and airway are responding positively to when he gets a cold virus. We haven't had to visit the ER in quite a while, and we are SO thankful! We actually even these past few colds have not had to use an oral steroid either. Praise Jesus! We shall see how the "rest" of cold and flu season pans out. Beckett is our silent destroyer. He's into everything, but just doesn't make a peep. Man, I'm so thankful that he's a climber, and so curious...but this mama is tired! ;) So fun to see the differences between a girl and a boy! Bman isn't the greatest eater. He's super active, and super picky. He hasn't gained any weight since August, so the doctor has recommended weigh gainer (aka pediasure) to try and help this. So far he is drinking it. We'll see if he's gained any at our next doctors appointment in January. 

I've been trying to get settled, but feel like life just needs to pause so I can actually catch up! We have things on the walls, so that's a plus. But we've found that since we live closer to family...we've been even MORE busy on the weekends. What a great problem! We even made plans to see both sets of family for both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. That's a first in many years! Unfortunately that was spoiled by a stomach bug that hit all four of us at once. Yikes! That is a story in itself, but suffice it to say we will not soon forget it. So now we are back in Kansas City really having ourselves a Merry little Christmas ... just the four of us.

We have met some great neighbors, and have found a great church and weekly small group Bible study. I've also gotten to attend MOPS. I was thinking I would sit back and just take the first semester here off, but I'm actually helping teach Ellie's Awana Cubbies class, and I've already helped start the NICU Helping Hands NICU Mom's support group in Topeka (Topeka is the NICU where Ellie was born). I'm also planning on becoming a licensed day care provider, so the doors of Mandy School will reopen hopefully by next school year, if not sooner. I'm not sure how long all the paperwork will take me. I'm continuing to sell Rodan+Fields Dermatologists skin care products on the side, and still do have my long term eye on going back to school to become a NICU nurse. Just of course not sure when that will actually become a reality.

We have been so blessed by so much this year. We continue to marvel at the ways in which the Lord provides for our family. We are so thankful that God sent His Son for us, as a baby. May you celebrate His birth with true joy and gratitude from the heart.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!