Be Brave. Still.

I have contemplated many times sitting down to write on the blog again...our faithful blog followers prayed our specific requests at specific times when our Ellie came early at 27 weeks, 6 days....And then when our Beckett came early too at 25 weeks. (Little refresher for the new readers, maybe? Catch up here at http://elliegramkow.blogspot.com/p/our-preemie-journey-x-2.html.) We are STILL so grateful for all of your prayers and for loving us through.

We shared here. We felt the prayers, we read your encouragement. It carried us most days. This space quickly became the story of Team Gramkow, and honestly was not only a way to update family and friends on their fragile start to life, but hind-sight was so therapeutic for me, and Ben too I would say. I felt like it was a book that I wrote, but in real time, which I like better because they (aka google blogspot) are WAY less picky about grammar and punctuation. :) Did I mention that I actually printed out Ellie and Beckett's Baby Books (aka the blog) in an amazing book format? Yes. At ages 7 and 4. Finally got their "baby books" done. It has been a good reminder...for me to look back on the amazing ways God healed, God gave us hope, God gave life, and amidst the great fear...even joy. Much joy. Even Ellie has started reading her story, and turns out she can't believe some of the things that happened either. She does know she was brave.

But now. Now that our last preemie didn't spend time in the NICU. Now that our last preemie didn't have those ups and down months in the NICU. Now that our last preemie has spent 4 months in Heaven instead of with us, in the NICU. Does that mean the story stops? 

I want someday for us, yes, our super-awesome, precious little, super close-knit family of four to look back and be able to read how we were so brave through those sad days missing our Caleb. Brave in moving forward. Not Moving on. Moving Forward. We are forever changed by this. Now navigating yet another new normal. But a new normal that is heavy...and slow...

I have a hard time because this "newer defined grief" is a hard concept. I call it that because through all of my pregnancies and now all preterm deliveries, it's been tough...a hard road filled with grief. Dreams and expectations of my entry into motherhood were instead replaced with trauma, worry and fear. I've grieved those losses over these past 6 years....not experiencing the last trimester, not getting to feel the baby move much let alone kick, my first holding of my babies filled with lamenting tears...not tears of joy, not having the pre-baby baby showers, not being able to nurse my baby right away, not successfully breastfeeding. So while it may not have been loss to a death, it's still been many losses and forms of grief.

But this. This is the worst of the losses. I never knew such deep pain before losing Caleb. I didn't know my heart could hurt this much. 

Be Brave. It was kind of my motto of encouragement to all the NICU parents and NICU babies currently in the NICUs. Be brave mamas who take your babies home, and we all know the struggles don't just stop because you are discharged. The journey continues. The post-partum depression is delayed, the post-traumatic stress is triggered, the processing of the momma guilt.

Be brave.  And it's resonating with my heart as a need for me now more than ever. 

Be Brave. Still. 

Even though the circumstances are different this time around. 

Our story continues too.

I am not even close to having any of this "grief stuff" figured out. And honestly, I don't know if you all want to read about it. I get it. It's hard for you to read, well it's hard for me to write. It's hard because you don't know what to say, well, it's hard for me to say anything either with out worrying I am going to bust into tears. I realize it's still very much on the front of my "life" windshield, but not yours. I get it. I'm the mama. The only one who got to experience Caleb having life, for 19 weeks and 3 days. I am the only one who felt sick all those weeks, but told myself every day it was going to be worth it... I heard that beating heart...I saw his movements on the many ultrasounds. 

But if anything...just try to gain some perspective, empathy in your life...and don't take this life for granted. Every single breath. And now I've learned even every single beat of the heart, is such a gift. 

But if anything, I will write for my mom, dad, sister and Grandpa Whipple. I know they read it. 

But just like the NICU mamas that will come behind me...in survival mode, I know there are bereaved mamas that already are close behind me too...heartbroken.

Brave together. Not alone on this earth. And I'm looking for the brave mamas who have walked this before me too...would you gift me love, support and encouragement. Please write or comment. I need your hope. I need to know what this kind of bravery looks like. 

And for the friends and family who haven't walked this same road, we still need you too. We need you to be brave too. Yes, we are trying to navigate a new normal, but we need some old normal too. Even if you don't know what to do, would you just try. Still invite us, we may say it's too hard right now, but invite again...park dates, playdates, supper, walks. We still want to know about your lives. How we can be praying for you? Write, text, email. We need reminders of God's promises and truths. (This I'm learning is a tad easier in written form rather than talking in person with all the intense emotions currently) And Pray. Pray for our hurting hearts. For my mind to be renewed of things above, for Ben as he is balancing a new normal at work and clearly at home with a super emotional wife. For my sweet Ellie, who still stops whatever she is doing when she hears me cry and gives me a hug...she so wanted to be mama's special helper with the new baby. She was anticipating too. Pray for Beckett as he too is trying to understand as much as his 4-year old mind can. Thank God too for our Ellie and Beckett. Beckett has been mama's cuddle bug a lot lately. Pray specifically now...this time leading up to Caleb's due date is hard. March 14. It feels like it's taken forever to get here, but now that it's approaching...I'm already exhausted emotionally just thinking about it. Pray specifically for JOY among our sorrow. Pray for bravery in us to CHOOSE to see the Joy, even with tears...it is possible. I will trust. 

Much Love,

Mandy for Team Gramkow

Lauren Daigle - Trust In You Lyrics

I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!

Merry Christmas 2015 from Team Gramkow!

...this excerpt was from taken from my mom and dad's Christmas letter this year...and the words I resonate with...so wanted to share too...

"October overall was good but brought some sadness as Mandy and Ben lost grandbaby 13 at 19 weeks 3 days gestation. We all miss Caleb Dean. Knowing his Aunt Mindy and great grandmas and grandpas are in heaven with him helps some days but doesn't take away the hurt. It will take some time. We know God has a plan for each of us and He knows how we feel. After all, He sent his only Son, whose birth we celebrate this Christmas season, to die for us all that we might have eternal life if we believe in Him."

" Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is the Messiah, the Lord." Luke 2:11

(a little throwback photo from Beckett's first Christmas. Yes, Ben and I dressed him up like Baby Jesus, and the sheep is totally white socks from all four of us. )

Praying for a blessed new year filled with hope and courage too!
Love, Team Gramkow
Ben & Mandy
Ellie (7 years old)
Beckett (4 years old)
*Angel Baby Caleb*

A Letter to Caleb From Daddy

Ben's Dad read this letter for my sweet husband at Caleb's memorial service...

Dear Caleb,

Though the days we walk through now are dark, you have most certainly brightened our lives. We have learned important lessons from the births of your older brother and sister so we knew that having a child is not a journey to enter lightly.

The day your sister was born was the first day in my entire life that I questioned God's protection over my life. I thought perhaps the special protection I had been receiving had expired. I asked God if the deal was up. I could see that I was not in control and so I felt like I was drifting. From that day I learned that God is in control. If we seek His protection we must remember that He provides it, not us. Not my will, but His be done.

The day your brother was born we mourned the hard days ahead. Our plans had been shattered. But God's orchestrated plan brought us together with Beckett's doctor, his wife, and so many parents of premature kids. We were scared and we did not always know if Beckett would be okay. But God watched over Beckett and led him through the journey. The lesson this time was slow in coming, but I learned that God has a plan and He will take care of us. 

Your brother and sister have brought great joy to our lives. Our love and joy continue to grow as we spend one day after another with them. We mourn that we had such a short time to spend with you on this Earth, but as the day slipped away I could feel my love for your growing. I will always remember holding you in my hand and looking down into your calm, quiet face. Your mother and I had talked about this possibility. We did everything we could to give you the best possible chance at life. The lesson that day was a hard one. Sometimes even when you do everything right the result is not what you had hoped for. God's plan is not always our plan.

Caleb, we miss you. We look forward to meeting you in heaven.

Love,

Daddy