Wednesday, January 14, 2009
What is God teaching me now...
Once again, I go in streaks, I'm good, I have it all together, and then frustration sets in to the point of continuous tears. In these times, it seems like God is saying to me over and over again, "Mandy, who's in control here?" Such a hard lesson for a new mom, I so want the best for little Ellie.
I'm frustrated because today is day 28 from Ellie's last synagis and I was really hoping we'd have it here by now. Hopefully the insurance pre-authorization number comes through to the pharmacy and we'll be able to get it shipped to us. When I talked to Destiny at Caremark Pharmacy in Lenexa, KS, she was hopeful that Ellie would get her shot on time this month. Is it sad that I don't believe her? Is it wrong of me to have thoughts of not trusting until I get the phone call that says, yes, Mandy you can come pick it up again, or wow, wouldn't it be nice to have time to have it shipped?
I've also been really frustrated with Ellie's eating again. She's still sporatic and seriously, I just wonder - why isnt' she progressing by now? She's still eating 2 ounces here, and then an ounce the next time...I guess I just am expecting her to be progressing better than she is. Then again, I have no real frame of reference - which is also frustrating. I am also concerned with what I think is acid reflux. It is so hard because she'll have 2-3 feedings out of the day where she is so fussy and really does not want to eat. It is so hard for me to look in her eyes trying to shove the bottle in her mouth. She needs to eat. But I feel like she's in pain when she's eating. She cries, she batts at the bottle, she arches her back, she coughs all the time, gags, and pushes the bottle out of her mouth with her tongue. She knows it hurts too. But why? Oh..what a frustrating part of parenting. What's the solution? What do we do? Is this harder on Mom than it is Ellie. Why is eating so difficult for her....why after all we've been through can't she just be better at eating.
Tomorrow we are going in for Ellie's 4 month check up - it's at 9 am - with Dr.Duff. More shots..was hoping that she wouldn't have to have the synagis and the 4 month shots on the same day, but well, what choice do we really have at this point?
Classes start tomorrow - Ben took some exams today from last semester as he's still trying to finish up. I'm really close to being done with last semester...praise Jesus for that. Ellie is doing well at Lori's. She's doing better than mom is I think! She's also smiled for Lori and Bridget...and last night for Ben. I haven't gotten her to smile yet...but I'm hoping it's in my near future.
Will of course blog after tomorrow's doctor's appointment. I also am anxious to see her weight - since we haven't found out for two weeks now!
Blessings,
Team Gramkow
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I Love you baby sister and am sitting here in such awe reflecting on how strong you are in facing what everyone else takes for granted...including myself. I so wish I could just snap my fingers and make it immediately better but guess I don't have those kind of powers! HA HA! Just remember how far you have come but know that the frustrations of parenting are normal and they aren't going to go away for a very long time---at least that's what Mom says. I love you so much and can't wait to see you next month. I am going through Mandy withdrawl.
ReplyDeleteyou'll never have it all together punkin...every child is different and every day is different. You can only do the best that you know. Be concerned but don't let the frustrations control you. Make your list of questions for Dr. Duff and don't be upset if he says he doesn't know and all babes are different. all they can do is tell you what has worked for others...that's all anyone can do cause no one has the perfect answer cause we aren't perfect. You are an amazing mom...and have been through more than the average...but that's how they get averages. The good news is you ultimately trust God to guide you into doing what's best...imagine the frustrations for those that don't know how to let go and let God. I love you bunches..and like Wen would love to snap my fingers too but can't;as Dad says..guess you are building character...think of what a character you have become!! hehe you don't know when you are going to be able to use those frustrated feelings to help someone else with theirs. hang in there...hugs to all. ps...wen smiled first for the babysitter. a bit of a letdown, but there are other days that Ellie will smile just for you! over and over again.
ReplyDeleteYour mom and sis are right--and then there are those days that you walk in the door and the little one will come running with the biggest grin and sparkling eyes and open arms with a huge hug and slobbery kiss just for you! You are an incredible woman, mother, child of God. Those frustrations make the victories that much sweeter! Always in our prayers!
ReplyDeleteMandi
Aren't families wonderful? Such loving words from you family.
ReplyDeleteYes, fyi, it is always harder on the momma than the baby...take comfort in that.