So hard...

First off, I want to publicly apologize for using Ellie's blog as a way to vent my frustrations about the past couple days. I wish I could say that I am a woman of great strength and faith, but I sure have fallen with all the worldly things that have come my way lately. Someone very dear to me brought it to my attention and I am asking all of you who have read the past couple posts to please forgive me for my words, my attempts to blame someone for the things we've had to go through. It's so hard, but it's no excuse. I would hope all of you know that God is a very important part of both Ben and my life, but my past actions would not necessarily exemplify it. I admit - Since being home...I want control, I want answers, and I apparently want someone else to blame for what we've had to endure. I guess it just didn't hit me as much until I got home and it's now just Ben and I...Ellie's our pride and joy, but our responsibility. It saddens my heart to notice all the sin that is apparent in the world now that I'm a mom. But I too must remember that I sin, just like everyone else. Again, I don't know why these things have to happen. I just have to trust that God knows what He's doing and that He's put Ellie in the care of medical professionals that are perfectly able to do just that...care for her. I guess I need a lesson on trusting the people God's put in our path for Ellie too. We are very blessed to have Dr. Duff as our pediatrician and Lord, forgive me in the ways in which I have been so angered and bitter toward the staff there. I should have been turning to comfort from you rather than just filling myself with emotions and anger toward someone who in my eyes could be worthy of the blame. Lord, heal my brokenness. Lord, hold my heart and please remind me daily that Ellie is Yours and that you have protected her thus far and will continue to protect her - synagis or no synagis. Help me to let you carry Ellie rather than trying to carry her myself. I can't do this alone. Thank you Jesus for your grace and allowing me to come back to you even when I disappoint you. Thank you for the gift of Ellie, thank you for the people still continuing to pray for her, thank you for the people who love us and are walking life beside us, keeping us aligned with Your will. "Your child is in God's hands... she has been from the beginning. You are feeling the weight of the large and precious responsibility that the Lord has given to you. With it comes incredible joy, opportunity, delight, hope and dreams unimaginable. With it comes tremendous heartache, frustration, confusion, self-doubt, suspicion of even the most common things. Though she is home... she is still the Lord's... not yours. Her life is in God's hands and no amount of anxiety will pry His grip from her... no matter what we do."