New Plan

Deep breath. I have so much to be thankful for. I know this. I am so thankful. But I am so frustrated. I was frustrated. I am willing myself not to be consumed with frustration.

But it is hard.

My sweet Beckett weighed 14 lbs. 15.5 oz yesterday at his OT appointment. Two weeks ago, at his OT appt May 31, he weighed 14 lbs. 12.2 oz. That means he has only gained 3 oz. In two weeks. Not good. Not quite enough.

I just got off the phone with the GI nutritionist. Not quite enough she said. She wonders if it is some sort of virus that has made his eating tank from his "normal" feeding every feeding being around 2.5 oz. Down to a 1.5 oz. Not good B man. Not good. Apparently there is a virus going around that is sinus related, but no other symptoms. Hmm...interesting.

So she says "let's wait one more week."

Not what I wanted to hear. Let's see if his eating takes off this week? I pretty much hope that every feeding this is going to be the break thru feeding, and no. Disappointment. We have now had to change our celebratory goal to "Hey, we are almost to 20 oz today (meaning in a 24 hour period.) Last Friday he only ate 13 oz. All day. Not good. I honestly don't know how he is still gaining. God performing yet another miracle, pretty sure. Must be the 27 calorie cheesecake I am trying to feed him every two hours.

But one more week? Seriously? What ELSE can we try? I have mixed breastmilk in with the green beans, I let him eat, then I give him a sip. I may or may not have thought about syringing milk like his medicine. Ben said we needed to saturate a burp rag or blanket in breastmilk. He loves to chew on that.

So I also am losing faith in the reflux med, Axid. I called to talk with the nurse to get an opinion on changing meds, but we played phone tag all day...so I guess we will connect on Monday. He has been on it since May 25, and ok...so it takes 14 days to really work...ok, fine, but we are past it, and this past week his intake has tanked.

And Beckett is stubborn smart. I know when he eats, he will just stop when it eats. Most reflux kiddos probably spit up. Not B man, he just locks the lips, bats the bottle. No more.

So back to the new plan, since I was begging the nutritionist for a new plan. She said we may need to add oil to the milk. I freaked, and asked if we were really to that point yet. She say we may be. But then said, lets wait a week, and come see me next Thurs/Fri so I can talk to you in person, and get a weight check there. I asked again if we needed to keep feeding every two hours. Yep. I asked if we needed to feed from 5 am to midnight EVERY TWO hours. Yep. She said until he can show us he can gain weight.

New plan: feed rice ceral in morning with breastmilk, green beans for lunch and dinner with breastmilk, still TRYING to get 20 oz. Daily intake of fortified 27 calorie breastmilk, still every TWO hours from 5 am until midnight. Watch for dehydration signs.

Beckett, I love you SO much. But I am so tired. I am frustrated. But mama and daddy are going to try harder. Ok, buddy?

So yes, we are technically out of RSV isolation, but with feeding every 2 hours, and trying to get pumping in 3-4 times a day...we aren't getting out much.

Please pray for my thoughts. I have just been consumed with Frustrated Francis feelings. Poor me feelings. I am processing feeling jipped in my pregnancies, jipped that I am still having to feed my 8 month/5 month old every two hours. I think I am processing, but it has not been positive. I don't like it.

Clearly another humbling time to remind me that it's not about me. I am trying to control the numbers. I am the one feeding Beckett all day long, so the guilt creeps in.

Please pray that Jesus would give me some peace, some amazing rest, and to let GO of trying to control. Pray that Jesus would shield my mind from feelings of mommy guilt. Help me to believe people when they say not to worry.

This preemie journey continues to be hard.