You are supposed to be our miracle.

The moment the NICU team whisked our Sweet Beckett away in his isolette after I delivered, I remember the stillness in the room, like time had stopped. Ben and I didn't look at each other, we just looked straight at the wall, straight ahead and wept. While the nurse was telling us Congratulations, honestly that was the last thing we wanted to hear. This wasn't supposed to be this way.

I remember my Ben dropping his head to my shoulder weeping as we heard Beckett's cry. We so just wanted the contractions to stop. This wasn't supposed to be this way.

I remember screaming for Jesus to give me peace with every contraction, as it was getting worse and worse. This wasn't supposed to be this way.

All I wanted was a full-term baby, a chunky, fat baby... at least a baby past 28 weeks when Ellie was born. 25 weeks wasn't even on our radar, we were preparing for the anxiety that was to come the week before 28. This wasn't supposed to be this way.

It's sinking in. I know he's here. And my days are up and down.

Each day I spend with Beckett, I fall more and more in love with him. And he is just perfect. But it's taken some time for me to accept that, because in my mind, this wasn't supposed to be this way. He doesn't look like other babies...he has hardly any fat in his body, he is skin on bones, you can see his veins through his knuckles, you can't see his face because of the CPAP, his skin is shiny, sticky and transparent, his head and nose...still so moldable and distorted from the breathing accessories. I put my hand on his back when we cuddle skin to skin, and hate that I can feel the vibrations from his CPAP in his core. I hate to admit that I am hesitant to share pictures because he just looks oh so weak. Here I am, human, his mom, making excuses for one of God's most beautiful creations. It's hard because to me, it wasn't supposed to be this way.

But God has shown me that Beckett is much more than what I "thought" was supposed to be this way. He cries to let me know that his lungs are still working. He wraps his fingers around my pinky to let me know that he can feel my touch. His heart rate calms down when we snuggle skin to skin. I can feel him more on my chest now, and I can feel every move. I love his butt chin that is just like his daddy's. I love his dark hair, and wonder if it will stay dark. I love the way he peeks his eyes open to me when I talk to him through his Isolette (he did this a lot for me today). I love the way he curls up his feet under his bum, and it fits ever so perfectly in the palm of my hand when I hold him on my chest.

I love you Beckett Gramkow. You are supposed to be our miracle. And I'm supposed to share Your Story. You are the most handsome 2 pounder I've ever laid my eyes on. We are blessed to get to see you develop and grow on the outside.

 Isn't he just beautiful?


...My friend, TJ, gave me the devotional, Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence, and I wanted to share, as this really hit home with me."When many things seem to be going wrong, trust Me. When your life feels increasingly out of control, thank Me. These are supernatural responses, and they can lift you above your circumstances. if you do what comes naturally in the face of difficulties, you may fall prey to negativism. even a few complaints can set you on a path that is a downward spiral, by darkening your perspective and mind-set. With this attitude controlling you, complaints flow more and more readily from your mouth. Each one moves you steadily down the slippery spiral. The lower you go, the faster you slide; but it is still possible to apply brakes. Cry out to Me in My Name! Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel. Thank Me for everything, though this seems unnatural--even irrational. Gradually you will begin to ascend, recovering your lost ground. When you are back on ground level, you can face your circumstances from a humble perspective. If you choose supernatural responses this time--trusting and thanking Me--you will experience my unfathomable Peace."...